


what has hope ever done for him

by davidelizabeth, TylahJayne



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Hallucinations, Manipulation, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sadstuck, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 19:59:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5839027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davidelizabeth/pseuds/davidelizabeth, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TylahJayne/pseuds/TylahJayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Those pleasantries were not extended to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what has hope ever done for him

No one noticed him disappear, no one noticed as he slowly withdrew from the group, and spent more and more time by himself. Not the anyone particularly cared. He was only grouped with them because they felt like they had to. They felt a sense of duty, to keep their original group together. Though no one made any attempts to interact with him past the insults and random bursts of violence directed towards him. They forgave Vriska, and they forgave Gamzee. Saying that there was external factors that deemed them worthy of forgiveness.

Those pleasantries were not extended to him. He was a murder, he was in control of his actions. They couldn’t be more wrong. They didn’t understand what he went through. Not that Feferi had even tried to explain to them just how much he wasn’t sane. She didn’t even try to forgive him. Did they forget she attacked him first? That he chose not to kill Sollux, but only to blind him?

He didn’t speak anymore, he chose to remain silent in the face of conflict, hoping that maybe, just maybe they’ll see that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. That he just wants to try to live again. He doesn’t hold that hope close to his heart, because what has hope ever done for him before? He tries to blend into the walls, sometimes not leaving his room for days. His sopor ran out over a sweep ago, but he doesn’t dare ask for more. He just endures his nightmares, they’re his punishment. He doesn’t know why but he feels like he needs these peoples forgiveness, like their opinion mattered.

He sees things on the corner of his vision, nasty things that remind him of the space outside the dream bubbles. He cries a lot, silently sobbing into his sleeve. His cape was long gone, and he doesn’t remember a time were he didn’t feel so bone shaking-ly cold. He knows its probably a combination of the sleep deprivation, dehydration and starvation, but he needs to repent. For his sins to be forgiven by those he hurt.

Sometimes, when the others are sleeping, he sneaks outside, unseen by everyone else. He likes the outside, he feels free from himself. Free from the hands that brought so much pain and death. Free from everything. The sun on their new planet wasn’t as harsh or terrible, so slowly they all had adjusted. The moon was full when he exited the house. They had decided to live near a forest, he didn’t get a choice, he was practically forced to follow them where ever they went. Under the guise that they couldn’t let him live by himself because he was a danger to everyone else.

Sometimes he dreamed of just dying. Of being completely and totally free from everything. But they’d taken his cross-hairs from him, and anything that could be used as a weapon. It was demeaning, he’d trained himself to kill for Feferi, yet she refuses to let him do the very thing she’d asked him to do since he was tiny. She refused to let him go, he were a tool for her to use, but he knows she’ll never admit it.

He didn’t want to be her tool anymore, he wanted to live or die for himself, they wouldn’t let him live. Walking was something he enjoyed, he lost himself in the rhythmic moving of his feet. He giggled to himself, thinking of how he finally had some freedom, before breaking into a sprint, after realizing no one was there to watch him or control him or tell him to stop. He felt weak, and he was loosing his breath a lot quicker than he used to, but that was just a side effect of not sleeping and only meagerly eating.

He should have been taller than Feferi at the rate he would have been growing if he had the things he needed, but out of his group he was one of the smallest. When he left the place they had him hauled up in, he never went too far, but now he couldn’t get far enough. He didn’t want to see them ever again. He didn’t want to see anything ever again. If he got his way the world would be free of him once and for all.

They weren’t bad people, but the extremes she went too keep him as her weapon. To try to force him to come back to her so she could manipulate him and use him all over again. He refused to go back to her. The dream bubbles had helped him understand how their moirallegiance was unhealthy, for the both of them, but mostly for him. She fueled his anger and used him as a pawn in her sick game. Her mask was one delicately built and it could withstand nearly anything. But what it couldn’t withstand was one of her pawns rebelling. She’d come after him.

By the time he’d gotten as far as he could, it was nearly dawn, and he was on the verge of passing out. He had made it to a beach of some sort, it was covered in small pebbles instead of sand, and the sea seemed much calmer. He didn’t really take in his surroundings. If he did, he would have seen the poorly hidden bodies, and the curious eyes watching him from back in the tree line. By this time, he was exhausted. Then he realized something. They wouldn’t know he was missing for at least a few days, he had left his room only yesterday. They wouldn’t be expecting him for at least a few days.

He moved towards the water cautiously, as he did not know the toxicity of this water, nor how it would feel on his gills. As soon as he realized it was safe, he was under. Swimming had always been painful and horrible and it hurt so much. He was a tropical breed, not a deep-sea dweller like Feferi. This water was so clear and smooth and it didn’t hurt and choke him. He felt safe, like the world had just sucked him in and no one could hurt him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this feels unfiniished. there might be more.
> 
> the poorly hidden bodies are dave and roxy fyi.
> 
> thats where this was originally meant to go, but it ended up as kinda a rant.


End file.
